


Day 2: Angst

by Moon_Peach



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Awkward Conversations, Lost Love, Lotor tries to find his enemies weakspots, M/M, Maro, Miro, Nightmares, PTSD, Shatt, Shiro/Matt - Freeform, matt comes home, postkerberos Shiro/matt, prekerberos shiro/matt, shiro's gladiator pit days, trying to figure out where they stand anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 18:29:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13129506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moon_Peach/pseuds/Moon_Peach
Summary: For two weeks, Voltron has been celebrating Matt's return. For two weeks, Shiro and Matt has danced around each other, unable to figure out how the other one has changed or if the other ever wants to talk about it.That is, until a few sleepless nights and a strange transmission sets to change all of that.





	Day 2: Angst

Matt had only been staying on the Castle-ship for a little over two Earth weeks when he realized that the rooming was going to be an issue. The princess had welcomed him immediately as a member of the team and had spared no luxury. He had been given the set of rooms next to Katie, Pidge as she was going by constantly now, and it was plenty of room to live in comfortably. Too much room, if he was being honest. After nearly two years of living in a single cell, it felt too big and spacious. Too quiet. He found that he would lose himself and stare out the window for hours upon hours, standing or sitting. He was never left alone for too long; thank god for Katie. Even still, he couldn't sleep. 

However, he wasn't the only one who had that issue. He saw the way the dark circles never left Shiro's face, and how he'd get a distant look in his eyes if there was nothing for him to break up or settle thanks to the younger teens that constantly surrounded him. "Space Dad," Katie had informed him. He seemed to push past whatever he held behind those eyes, never taking a moment for himself.

He wasn't sure where he and Shiro stood anymore, and so much had happened to them both that Matt was afraid to know if they could ever go back to the way they had been before. They simply weren't the two young hopelessly in love space cadets they had been. Shiro had given himself up for him and exposed himself to fighting day in and out for galran entertainment. He'd lost his arm and a part of himself. Matt had all will to live kicked out of him, pushed to his physical breaking point every day as he worked for them. They weren't in love with space anymore. Sure, they were finally back in each other's presence and on board the same ship, but it was like they hadn't been reunited at all. 

Now here he was, tossing and turning, unable to sleep for the third night in a row. He hadn't gotten so much as an hour and his body hurt. He was so extremely tired, and all he wanted was to finally rest. "Damn it!" He cursed as he sat up and swung his legs to the side of the bunk. Sleep wasn't going to happen again that night. A dull, blinking 3:04 am greeted him as he glanced at the clock near the door. Damn, he was so tired and frustrated he could cry. But even that wasn't happening at this point. 

He sat like that for a while, summoning the last bits of energy he had. He slipped out of his room, bare feet cold against the metal flooring. The lowlights in the castle were a soft blue instead of purple, but he was still very uncomfortable with the parallels of the Altean ship at night and a galran warship. He did his best to suppress it as he made his way down the hall to the rooms he knew Shiro stayed in. With a deep breath, he knocked. When there was no answer, he sighed. Damn, he should've known he'd be asleep. There was no way he spent his time staring out windows and not getting sleep like he did. Shiro was just stronger than him in that way. 

He took a deep breath. He was on his own about this. It wasn't until he had already began to walk away that he heard the whoosh of the door opening. "Matt...?Where are you going? Did you need something?" Shiro yawned, covering him mouth with his human hand. 

Matt turned around on the spot. "Oh, uh, it's nothing. Did I wake you?"

"No, I was settling down. Too much coffee earlier, I suppose. Did you want to come in?" He laughed a bit, lightheartedly. 

Matt quirked his eyebrow a bit at his answer. Settling down at three in the morning? Sure. He shrugged at him, hands in the pockets of the big sweater he slept in. "Sure, I guess." Shiro held the door open for him and he ambled in with a small yawn. Ugh, he hated this. "You're up kinda late, you know." He commented casually, sitting down on the edge of Shiro's bunk. 

"I could say the same to you. I'm always the last to bed, it seems. There's a lot of things I usually have to take care of, and by then it takes me a while to actually settle down enough to sleep." He rubbed the back of his neck a bit, standing at a distance from the bed. He didn't want to make Matt uncomfortable with unwarranted closeness. That was the last thing he wanted.

Matt muttered a harsh sarcastic chuckle, "Boy, do I know what you mean." He stifled yet another yawn. "It gets too quiet during the night cycle, and I can't actually settled down enough to sleep."

"You don't look so good. Are you getting used to the castle alright? It's not affecting you too bad, is it?" Shiro frowned a bit, worried about that response. Matt really wasn't looking all that great, with a permanent scowl on his too ashen skin. He could really use some more time out in the castle to help start filtering some Vitamin D into his body. 

He chuckled that fake laugh once again. "Honestly? I'm having a shit time. I'm so sick of space. My body hurts, man. I ache and I'm tired all the time. Yet I haven't been able to sleep no matter how hard I try. It's been three whole days, Shiro. Most days I just don't even care enough to do anything about it, and when I do, it doesn't matter cause I can't shut it off." He rubbed his eyes aggressively as he slumped again. "I wanna go home, Takashi..."

Shiro frowned a bit more, crossing his arms as he listened. "Matt... Alright, well, I can't give you home, despite how desperately I wish I could. I can help you try to figure it out though. We'll all get through this together and I'm glad you came to me..." He smiled softly, encouragingly as he moved to sit beside him. Matt immediately leaned into him exhaustedly. "It's going to be alright, okay? Just have to take it one step at a time." Shiro sighed, wrapping an arm around him and rubbing his arm. 

"Could I... maybe stay in here tonight? I'm so tired, Kashi..." he whined, officially reaching his breaking point.

"I know. I know... Come on, let's lay down, alright?" Shiro soothed as he nudged him down gently. They laid down and he pulled the blanket over them. "You're safe with me. Rest now, Mattie..." He kept rubbing his back, listening to his breathing against his neck. Sure enough, he very slowly started to relax and his breathing leveled out into sleep. Shiro smiled a bit into the younger man's hair, and somewhere along the line, sleep found him as well.

-V-

Shiro didn't jog that morning. He'd never slept so deeply, and when he woke, the sight of Matt gently snoozing away into his chest was just enough to tempt him into disregarding his run. He stayed in bed and watched Matt sleep until the alarms rang. It startled him awake and he gripped at Shiro's arms in a panic. "Woah, Matt, hey, it's okay. It's just the wake up alarms. It's alright. You're safe, remember?"

"Wake up alarms. Right." He reluctantly relaxed again. He looked away from the other man's curious gaze and set his jaw. "We'd better get up." Matt told the room softly, sitting and getting up automatically. "I'm sure you uh, want your privacy so, I'll just..." He pointed his thumb to the door before headed to it before Shiro could say anything.

"You don't have to-" Shiro started, cut off by the door swooshing shut. "Oh, uh, alright." He finished lamely to himself. Matt was still adjusting to being there, he reasoned to himself, he just needed some sunlight and maybe some time planetside. Yeah, surely it wasn't him. Right? 

"Shiro, hurry up!" Lance banged on the door with a loud laugh. "We're doing fun things today!"

He sighed heavily, adjusting the weight of dejection with the rest of his troubles as he dressed. After a minute of him smiling to himself in the mirror until it was once again believable, he headed to breakfast. 

The others were in full conversation mode, and it made him genuinely smile for a moment. He'd protect these kids even if it kill him. Pidge and Keith were animatedly dicussing rare creatures of earth to Coran and Allura, who were most amazed with the idea of "Bigfoot". Lance was telling some story of their latest trip to the Balmera, Hunk interjecting to explain bits and pieces as well. Matt was listening with an attentive smile. God, Shiro had to stop for a moment. He looked so much better after a full night's sleep. He was always so much better when the younger Paladins talked with him. Shiro couldn't blame them. Their laughter was infectious.

"Morning. What have you guys already been doing to the poor man this early?" He smiled, glancing at Matt again. He smiled back.

Matt nodded towards Lance and Hunk, "They're telling me about Hunk's girlfriend."

"She's not my-"

"His girlfriend." Matt repeated as an interruption. There was a grin on his face that Shiro knew well from their garrison days. Yes, please feel better, Matt. 

Lance sighed dramatically, "I can't believe Hunk beat me to being the first human to date an alien. That's so hurtful. My best friend too." Keith snorted into his hand, biting back a comment.

"Now, now, as happy as I am about Hunk's budding romance, we have to get a move on if we are to take a break later today." Allura chuckled. She got up to deposit her plate in the chute and the others took that cue to do the same. "Shiro, Matt, take as long as you need. We'll meet us on the bridge when you're finished with breakfast." 

"Yes, Princess," Shiro amended as he sat down with his plate. It only really took him a bit to eat anyways. They sat in silence, Matt the first to get up and leave once again. He hadn't touched his food.

-V-

Lance's mumbling just got worse through the morning repairs. Any thought he may have had about a full free day were shattered when Coran had informed them of all the bridge repairs that they had to do before anyone was going anywhere. "Which wire? Hunk, help! It's all the same under here!" He groaned loudly, muddled by his console.

"The 3 millimeter one, red, should be third from the top." He repeated again, from where he was under the main control console and working on a different project.

Keith and Pidge were lounging on Lance's chair, arms crossed and getting as much amusement out of it as they could. "This wouldn't happen if you would've listened to the instructions." Keith reminded him, for the third time.

"Oh shut it, Keith!" He complained loudly back, kicking his feet into the air to try to hit at the other boy, somewhere close to him. Keith just raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"If you'd stop complaining, you'd actually see your problem. Take a breath and look again." Matt spoke up, from where he was testing the screens above the main console and working with Hunk. "Move it a little to the left- yeah, good."

There was more mumbling from Lance, who after a moment, let out a cheer of victory. His screens flickered to life and Keith and Pidge clapped sarcastically. "As, fuck you guys." He complained again, pulling his head out of in the console. "Okay, looks good. Allura?"

She nodded and he shut the console. Shiro popped his head out of his own console and his screen lit up as well. "Alright, that looks good. Go ahead and let's test the signal." 

Hunk moved out of the way for Matt to run the signal. "Um, Princess..." Coran spoke up, confused at some rhythms coming through the signal test. 

"Try again." She frowned, pressing a few buttons. Matt nodded and restarted the test. The strange rhythms came through again, and Coran began to troubleshoot the system. They all frowned, watching the unusual scene. 

"It's a transmission." Shiro realized suddenly.

Allura exchanged looks with both Shiro and Coran. "Let's answer it then." She straightened her back and lifted her head to the connecting signal. 

"Hello Paladins."

Her eyes widened a fraction of an inch, and Coran looked visibly disturbed. Shiro frowned a bit, this guy didn't look good.

"Oh, where are my manners? It is I, Prince Lotor of the Galra Empire. Although we've had run ins in the past, it's so very nice to finally... see you." The man smirked lazily, reclined in an easy relaxed manner. "Princess Allura, what they say about you is true. You are truly a beauty."

She set her jaw, not letting the comment tick her off. "Lotor. So the face has a name. I take it you're not here to chat, so what do you want?"

"Oh, but Princess, I am here to chat. I just wanted to get to know the legendary defenders that have been my father's greatest adversaries." He replied smoothly. Lotor had the upper hand in the conversation, and they were at a loss. How was he connecting to them? Coran began to run a check off to the side to track it, and inclined his head to inform Allura to continue to stall. 

"I see." She nodded a bit, treading very carefully. 

Prince Lotor looked off screen for a moment, before turning back to them. "Let's see here. Please do let me know if I have this correct. I've done my digging, and I do hope it is satisfactory. Princess Allura, the only daughter of King Alfor. The only surviving royal Altean. How did your father send you away? I suspect a cryopod. To think that all that is left of the great Altean race is a castleship and a teenage princess. What a shame. Oh, but of course I couldn't forget your royal advisor. Coran, was it? Tell me, Coran, do I look like my parents? I suppose you knew them quite well before they destroyed your family, yes?"

"That's enough!" She bit suddenly. She shook a bit, her nerves frayed from the sudden assault on her people. "Watch your tone with me. I won't remind you again." 

"Oh dear. It's seemed I've hit a nerve. Do you not like being reminded of your poor planet's fate? Pardon me, Princess Allura. You and I are the same however, both heirs to planets long since dead. Although, my people have survived. Well, half of them anyway. My condolences. Let's move on then. I couldn't dig up very much about your precious paladins, which I have to admit, intrigues me very much. 

"Keith, the red paladin. You in particular intrigue me. I didn't believe my generals at first, but now that I get a chance to look at you, it's become painfully aware to me. Son of a rebel officer. That must have been quite a shock for you. How does it feel to fight against your own people?" He paused and let the question sit heavily in the room. Keith grit his teeth, eyes burning with hatred. "I hear you fought my father and my generals and have taken them all by surprise. You're strong, which is admirable. I'd be willing to grant you a pardon. I'm always on the look for strong half breeds like yourself. We're more alike that you realize."

"I'm not like you. I'm not anything like you!" Keith exploded suddenly, standing up. He looked ready to fight. "Don't talk as if I'm one of you! I'm not some fascinating toy like your generals!"

Lotor laughed, hands clasped in front of him as he listened with rapture. "There's the fire. I was so hoping I'd see it. You don't disappoint, red paladin. Your poor human emotions are too much for you to handle isn't it? It must be difficult to be at war with both sides of you. You can control that anger you know. I could teach you."

"Enough. Don't say shit about Keith! He's not interested!" Lance spoke up loudly. 

"I think thats up for him to decide, blue paladin." Lotor inclined his head, "Why don't you ask him directly? Tell me honestly that you aren't tempted in the slightest and I will leave it alone."

Lance and the others turned to look at Keith, who was looking at the ground. "I- of course I don't..." He swallowed nervously, pinned by the gazes on him. "No, of course not! Guys, I wouldn't- I'm a paladin of Voltron..!" 

Lotor laughed, "But that doesn't mean you don't wish to know more about yourself. About your people. You're an open book to me, Keith. So blatantly open with your body language. You can't help but want to know how to stop feeling how you do. It's quite pitiful."

"Leave him alone." Shiro clenched his fists. "We are his family and you can't divide us against pieces of him he can't control. We don't care that he is part Galra. So leave it alone." He commanded with as much authority in his voice as he contained. 

Lotor's eyes shifted to the new voice, eyeing Shiro over. "Aha. The Champion speaks. Shall I move on to you? Or perhaps the insecure blue paladin Lance, or soft hearted yellow paladin Hunk. I've heard stories of your desperate attempts to save a Balmera. I wonder why you would want to save such a weak people." Hunk and Lance both bit their lips, arms crossed and looking away from the transmission. Lotor was picking them off one by one. It was an intimidation game.

Shiro stepped forward. "No. You won't touch them. I don't want to hear anything you have to say about my paladins." Allura looked to Coran, who shook his head. They needed more time. She reluctantly kept the transmission going. 

"Very well. If you want me to leave the paladins alone, that can be arranged. I don't know much about them anyways. You two however, oh how much paperwork I had to shuffle through. Matthew Andrew Holt and Takashi Shirogane, prisoners of war picked up in an empty quadrant. Interrogation didn't yield anything, I see. Let's see here. Matthew went to a work camp along with your father, Samuel Holt. Interesting. I wonder if he's still here."

"Leave my dad out of this!" Pidge erupted suddenly, shaking violently. Matt whipped around to see her on the verge of tears. "You'll leave him alone! I'll kill you, I swear I will!"

"Pidge..." he went to her side and wrapped an arm around her protectively. "You'll shut your mouth!" He hissed at Lotor.

Lotor raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "What a beautiful family moment. I wonder how you felt Matthew, when you had to leave your father behind when you joined rebel forces. Do you regret it?"

"Coran-" Allura started, desperately. He shook his head calmly, watching the bar. 

"I said, leave them alone. Your intimidation won't work on us. Cut to your point." Shiro stepped up beside Allura. 

Lotor's smirk widened, "Does nothing faze you? I suppose not. You are the Champion after all. You'll have to forgive me if I have to admire your prosthetic. It's beautiful craftsmanship from my mother, you know. It's too bad you escaped. She does love her projects, and she gets quite cranky when they're interrupted. Have you ever got your official count? I take it you never learned Galran."

"I'm not interested in your mind games." 

"730 to 0."

Shiro blinked, mouth going dry. "What?"

Lotor grinned widely, "Didn't you hear me? The Champion, undefeated at 730 to 0. My, my, that's a lot of bodies. Although I don't think they had you kill at first, so it's a give and take. I watched some of your matches in person. Princess Allura, how does it feel to know how much blood are on your defender's hands?"

She raised her head, "We do what we must. Do not forget who has the most innocent blood on their hands, Lotor. That is yours and yours alone."

"Ah, ah, ah, you may be wrong on that. I may have done my part, but I have never killed a child. Something your dear black paladin is well acquainted with." Heads shot up to look at Shiro, and Lotor sat forward in his seat. "Oh wait. Did you really not know? Shiro, Shiro, Shiro... Secrets aren't fun."

"Stop it."

"You see, half of all able bodied young people put in the arena were under the universal age of maturity. Do you remember their faces? Their names?" 

"I said stop it." Shiro grit again.

"Ana, approximately 13. Quetta, approximately 17. Myxlo, approximately 18. Aeoli, 14. Mire, 16. Moiree, 20. Bello, 11. Do those names ring any bells?" He pushed, watching as sick recognition washed over the black paladin's face. Allura put a hand to Shiro's shoulder, and he flinched away from it immediately. 

"That's enough, Lotor." She threatened. "Does this call have a point?"

"Of course. I was just dying to get to know you. All of you. Especially the ones I find amusing. Your Champion tries so hard to be holy for you. It's pitiful, really. Say, black paladin, what is your worst regret?" Shiro didn't look up, simply clenching his fists and letting his face steel into blankness. Lotor simply chuckled after a moment, "No need to tell me. You already know."

Matt frowned, "End the transmission." He told Allura with conviction.

"Perhaps I should see if I can't come across any of your arena videos. I'm sure your Lady would love to see exactly what kind of man she has piloting her leading lion."

"Stop it." Shiro said softly. "I am not a bad man."

"End it, Allura!" Matt repeated. Shiro was slipping fast, and the last thing they needed was to give Lotor an upper hand. The paladins all looked discouraged and upset, and the longer the transmission lasted, the more the sick grin on the prince seemed to widen. 

Allura whipped her head over to Coran, who was also conflicted about tracking the signal. It was almost complete. 

"Allura, end it god damn it!" Matt shouted again, watching as Lotor didn't relent on his attack against him. She bit her lip, and after just a moment of hesitation, she cut the coms. The room went immediately to silence, everyone in different slumped corners. Pidge had her head in her hands in her chair, and Keith had his head against the wall, trying to calm himself. Allura sighed and gently sat down on the floor, head hung. Lance and Hunk were silent in their chairs, and Coran was trying to track what they had. Shiro took a deep breath, rubbed his face and walked out of the room without so much as a word or glance to anyone.

"Shiro-" Allura began, getting up.

Matt frowned. "No, I've got it. You stay here. I can handle Shiro." He waved her away, heading out the door after him. It took him a while to figure out where the fading footsteps were going, and he still got lost, but he found himself in the black lion hanger eventually. The lion was on, which meant Shiro was hiding inside. "Shiro? You in there?"

He was met with nothing but silence. 

"Now, not that your wicked sentient lion cat robot isn't awesome, but I think you could use some actual human comfort this time." He added, hands in his pocket as he stared at the lion. 

The click of the coms came over the hanger, "Go away, Matt."

"Nope." He responded with a tap of his foot. 

"Why do you even care?"

"Cause I never stopped caring, Takashi. Let me in." He responded without a beat of silence. There was no hesitance there. There was no room for it. 

There was silence again as the coms were cut. Matt's heart fell as he was cut out again. Did he no longer trust him?

"You were right to avoid me since you've been back. I'd avoid me too. I know that a lot has changed between us since Kerberos, I just- I didn't expect it to hurt as bad as it does." Shiro's soft voice came back over the coms. "I'm different, you're different, our situation is different. So you can stop acting like you have to care anymore." 

Matt's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Shiro what are you on about-"

"You've been avoiding me lately, Matt."

"I've been avoiding you because I thought you were avoiding me!" He argued gently. "Come on, Takashi. I know things are different, but the least I can do it make sure you're alright."

Harsh laughter echoed back on him. "Make sure I'm alright? You heard it all back there. You all did. Why should I be alright with all the blood on my hands? You should just leave me the hell alone." 

Matt sighed softly, "You saved my life. I don't think I'll ever be as strong as you. I don't think I could've done the same for you. They chose me for the pit, not you. I should be the one with the blood on my hands, alright?" He spoke quietly, unsure if the lion would pick up his voice at that volume. He swallowed roughly, "I can't look you in the face. Not because I think you're broken or a monster, but because you saved my life. I don't know why you threw yourself in that pit for me. Damn it, Takashi. I never wanted you to hurt for me." 

The silence stretched out for a while, and Matt began to think that Shiro really hadn't heard him. But Shiro's voice came back to him as soon as he was about to say it again, louder. "That's not true. You know why." 

"No, no I really don't."

"I did it because I love you, Matt. You were so petrified; I kept thinking back to that fight you had with Chris Laggen in the Garrison when he said you only got in because of your father. You were never good with self defense, remember? I couldn't let them take you away. You had family to get back to. Your mom, Katie, even your father. You had to stay with him and figure out a way home. I didn't have anyone other than Keith, and he'd be fine without me."

Matt turned to look at the lion wth hard eyes. "How can you say that? How can you say that you're expendable? You're the most talented pilot the human race has! You're practically Keith's brother! You were my boyfriend, Shiro! I would've cared! I did care! I spent two years wondering if you were alive, just to find out that they maimed you! They took so much from you and it's all MY fault!" 

"It wasn't your fault, Matt. I put myself in that situation, not you." Shiro protested quickly.

"Prove it then! Let me in the lion." He crossed his arms stubbornly. The lion didn't move right away, and not for the first time that night Matt began to doubt the ground he stood on with Shiro. "Come on, man. Let the old stuff lie. Help me figure out where we stand. I can't do it by myself." Then he held his breath and waited.

And waited. 

"I've killed children. Can you deal with that?" Shiro brought up hesitantly.

"You did what you had to do." Matt answered truthfully.

"I have night terrors."

"So do I."

"I'm not the same carefree pilot anymore." 

"Neither am I. I still love you though." He replied easily. 

"You know it won't be easy to get back to where we were. Are you okay with that?" Shiro sighed, his resolve finally cracking as his hand hovered over the door lever.

Matt rubbed the back of his neck with an easy grin. "When have we ever taken the easy route, Kashi? Let me in the damn lion."

"Okay okay, fine." 

Shiro opened the door.

**Author's Note:**

> Shatt Week is turning out to be Shatt year at this point. Sorry about that! I've been focusing predominantly on my large Shiro/Matt and Klance fic I'll be publishing soon. So stay on the look out for that!! :D


End file.
